Aging

by Vincent Tilford, Executive Director

As a parent of an eleven-year-old, I’m his preferred target when it comes to jokes about getting older.  Recently while watching my attempts to learn a dance that had gone viral he said, “You’re too old to learn how to whip and nae-nae.  You look creepy.  I’ll never be able to un-see this.”

While he may be commenting more on my dancing abilities than my age, he also loves making wisecracks about age that come at my expense, from me needing to eat softer foods to my “one-pack” stomach ab.  We laugh at his attempts at humor and I will even admit that he can be funny sometimes.  Unfortunately, as harmless as this banter may seem, I have to wonder if I’m encouraging ageist beliefs and ideas in him.

These concerns may seem like unnecessary political correctness; however, ageism, a bias against older people because of their age, has real consequences.  Research has shown that seniors who experience age discrimination are more prone to mental and physical health declines.  Given that the fastest growing age demographic is the population that’s over the age of 65, more people in the generations below them will have to shoulder the emotional, financial and physical responsibilities for caring for older loved ones.  Negative stereotyping increases this burden; however, the reverse is also true.  Older adults who are valued, respected, and empowered, live longer, healthier lives.  Therefore, it’s in our best interests to figure out ways to combat ageism.

Most of us learn our “isms” when we’re children.  However, the difference between “ageism” and the other “isms” is that it doesn’t carry the societal penalty that’s associated with “sexism” and “racism.” We rarely challenge our ageist attitudes let alone another’s.  As a result, these opinions become beliefs, and these beliefs become our filters for how we see and treat people of a certain age, ourselves included.

Take driving as an example.  According to a Consumers Reports’ article, drivers over the age of eighty have accidents at a rate that is five and a half times greater than middle-aged drivers.  For some, the knee-jerk reaction is to take away a senior’s car key.  After all, why take the risk? However, the same article points out that teenagers have an accident rate that is nine times higher!   Do we stop them from driving or do we create solutions to help them become safer drivers?  Ageism is insidious, and when we gift wrap it with benign intentions, we disempower the people that we love.

I have a friend whose father is in his eighties.  A hard working man, his dad, works three jobs.  In my friend’s opinion, his dad needs to stop working.    He planned a trip to visit his father for the purpose of convincing him to retire.  I asked, “Why? Is he ill?” My friend said no.  “Does he need the money?” Again, the answer was no.  His dad would have three pensions in addition to social security.  “Why stop him from working then?” I asked.

“He’s too old to be working.  He needs to stop and enjoy life before he kills himself!” he replied.  Since I’ve never met anyone who has managed to get out of life alive, I urged him to ask his dad about what he wanted.  It could be that his father is happy working.  Maybe, it gives him something to look forward to each day.  Without work or something else to take its place, he might lose his sense of purpose and reasons to get up every morning.  All of us give our talents and time to our family, church, community and work.  It’s how we achieve meaning in life, and it doesn’t stop once we’ve hit some magical number.

Satchel Paige, a famous baseball player who was 42 years-old when he entered the major leagues, was asked after a game about being an older rookie.  His reply was, “How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was?”

What if we looked at age as nothing more than a number?  What if instead, when we looked at a person, we considered experience, talent, motivation, skills, and other gifts?  How old would they be if we didn’t know how old they were?  People over age 65 are as diverse as any other demographic and their skills and years of experience don’t vanish when they hit retirement age.

If we want to eliminate ageism, younger adults must recognize the value and appreciate the skills and experiences that older adults can offer.   Those of us who are older must also demand respect, and quiet the chatter in our minds that says that we are too old to do something.   It may take us a little longer, and we may do it differently or not as well, but as long as we are breathing, we have much to share.

That’s the lesson I want to teach my children when they watch me whip, whip and watch me nae nae.

by Vincent Tilford, Executive Director

While driving with my teenage son, we saw a bumper sticker that read, “I still blame Yoko.”  “What’s a yoko?” he asked.

If I was ever in denial about my age, his question reminded me that statistically, I have way more years in my rearview mirror than what I have left ahead.  Generally, I don’t dwell on my mortality because it is a little chilling to think about Grim skulking in the shadows with his sickle.

While I would like to believe that I have time to complete any unfinished business, the truth is that none of us know when our alarm will ring.  If you’re in good health, you are likely to spring through your days making plans:  your children’s college graduations, their weddings, or a trip.  Then, while you are packing to go visit your grandchild for the first time, Mr. Reaper sees it as the perfect moment to jump out at you yelling, “Game over!”

It could be life threatening:  cancer, stroke or heart attack.   It could be life changing:   fading sight, a fall that leaves you in chronic pain, or memory loss.   Often it’s both.  Whatever the circumstances, you can bet that the timing will stink, trashing any carefully laid plans.

Most people never consider the impact that aging might have on their future.   We hope that we will be healthy enough to check off the items on our bucket list, but hope isn’t the same as being prepared.

Preparation means having conversations with relatives and/or friends about medical, financial and family issues you might face as you get older.   It means assuring that the legal issues around estate planning, guardianship, advance directives and living wills are in place.  It means being free to make the choices that you still can make even when your health betrays and robs you of other decisions.  It means having a say in what happens to you when you can’t say.

But too often, we are afraid of getting old and all that we believe it means.  Say “old person” or “senior citizen” and in most cases, we think of a frail, older adult with dementia, arthritis or some other chronic illness.  We look at these conditions like we would view someone wearing police clothes or medical scrubs.  The sickness, like the uniform, defines them.

Most of us don’t like thinking about getting old and the losses that come with it.  As some capacities diminish, our concerns turn towards the loss of independence and self-determination.  We worry about having to live in a nursing home, where freedom to choose is a distant second to the institutional need to keep us safe.  Yet we also don’t want to become a burden on our families.  Hence, we deny our growing deficits and/or hide them from our relatives and friends, kicking the can down the road until it dead ends.

If we are to change the narrative on “growing old” we must first accept that getting older will eventually require course changes and likely several of them.  When we understand that “aging” happens, if you are lucky, it frees us to shape our lives around what matters most to us like spending time with family, conversations with friends and shared experiences.  It gives us perspective.  Once we realize this, we can start making plans that help us to live life on our own terms and savor the time that remains.

And for that Yoko question?  I went with a response that never ages, “Ask your mom.”